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How to communicate with each other in a relationship?
It is not at all easy to communicate openly in a relationship! Especially when it comes to the more difficult conversations, setting boundaries or talking about your expectations and needs. Sometimes, with the memory of previous experiences with a partner, we fear that we will again be ignored and rejected, we fear a brawl, quiet days, malice or ridicule. Fortunately, you can learn to talk.
pic. Mikhail Nilov/pexels.com
We assume that the partner should immediately understand what we mean. And it doesn't have to at all. Explain what you mean with specific examples. Learn to paraphrase, i.e. say the same thing in different words. Make sure you understand each other properly. There is nothing wrong or strange in the fact that many things need to be repeated and reminded
Why can't we talk to each other?
Unfortunately, when we form a relationship, we don't know that one of the key causes of partners moving away from each other and fading feelings can be a lack of good communication. Ah, how often I have heard: "I wish she hadn't said anything to me, I would have done it differently and maybe we would be together today" or "I wish now that I had told him right away, because maybe we would have saved our relationship".. This can involve big issues: "I don't agree that you should keep in touch with your ex-girlfriend" or "I don't agree that you should decide our finances on your own" or smaller ones: "Please don't make appointments for us to see your parents without agreeing with me.". Inability to talk increasingly distances spouses from each other. There is an inner sense of hurt, loneliness, embitterment, anger, rejection. The natural mechanism of negatively interpreting your partner's behavior and words is activated. It's just the way we have. This mechanism is merciless. Once turned on, it becomes a self-perpetuating cause of fading relationships. A very destructive force. Fortunately, it can be stopped. If you care about yourself, start acting as soon as possible and make changes before it's too late. If you want different results than before, then start doing something different than before
GOLDEN RULES OF COMMUNICATION
Talk!
→ Listen to yourself so that you can hear the other side and not think about the answer
→ Be open to talk,before something becomes a problem
→ Don't avoid conversations about difficult topics and don't put them off. This will save you from many arguments in the future
→ Ignoring problems only prolongs and magnifies them
→ Bringing up difficult topics and having difficult conversations saves relationships
How to have difficult conversations ?
Difficult conversations are an opportunity to better understand your partner, develop your relationship, strengthen your bond. These tips will help carry them out
PRACTICAL TIPS
1. Start the conversation once you have established your intentions
2. Focus on the problem, not the person
3. Talk about your feelings and emotions. Speak one at a time - don't interrupt each other
4. Listen for understanding, not for answers
5. Discuss only one problem or one issue at a time
6. Raising your voice is not the way to make someone better hear what you are saying
7. Take breaks when you need them
How to argue constructively?
Happy couples never fight. This is a widespread MIT!
It is possible that in childhood we learned to believe that conflict and quarrel are only negative events. This may be the case if we have seen parents or guardians arguing in such a way that they hurt each other. They challenged each other, shouted, manipulated each other, and later insulted each other, punished each other with silence, and emotionally withdrew from the relationship
Quarrels are normal and necessary in a relationship. It is a natural part of communication, always present in human relations. In this way, we learn what is important to the partner, what his needs and impassable limits are, get to know his perspective. The quarrel is a signal that the partners are not indifferent to each other, that they care about each other. The worst is when one or both stop speaking to each other and indifference sets in. It is not the quarrels that are the problem, but the lack of ability to argue and reconcile
When you learn to argue constructively, you will increase your chances of having a lasting and happy relationship. Arguing is a form of conversation, only much more difficult. Therefore, rules similar to those used during a difficult conversation apply:
1. Focus all the time on the problem, not on attacking and insulting your partner.
2. Be fair to each other and don't strike below the belt (e.g.. reproaching the past, background, education or using against each other secrets that you told each other in confidence). Stick to one thread and don't bring up other issues in the process
3. If the argument is about your partner coming home late without notice, don't add to it the resentment that he never cleans up after himself, doesn't like your family, spent too much and forgot about your anniversary. In this way, you will overlook the most important topic, that is, informing each other and agreeing on plans when you intend to come home later. Stick to one problem
4. The goal that each of you should have in your mind is to solve the problem. The whole point of a healthy argument is to look for a solution. You don't argue to prove someone wrong or to hurt them or show your superiority. You argue to solve the problem. You want to agree on something together. So do it in a way that directs you directly to finding a solution
5. Don't interrupt yourselves. If you treat your partner with respect and do not interrupt him, you have the right to expect the same. In this way you have the opportunity to hear each other, understand each other. If you interrupt each other, you will keep repeating yourself so that your partner finally hears what you want to say. This only stirs up irritation and raises the pressure. Repeating the same thing over and over again will not make someone understand you better. So try to avoid the "crocodile syndrome" of small ears and big feed - that is, listen more and talk less. Don't be a crocodile
6. In a healthy argument, there is no place for showing contempt and triggers. Since you are looking for a solution, insulting your partner is a hopeless strategy. A partner who reaches for triggers begins to look as if he has no arguments and therefore personally attacks the other party. Remember that your goal is to find a solution, so argue in a way that brings you closer to it
7. If the problem has stirred up too strong emotions that you can't control, or either of you feels too tired, take a break. Go for a walk or get some sleep to cool off. Come back to the conversation when you are calmer
8. Learn to end an argument or dispute well. Don't try to punish your partner. Don't avoid each other, don't keep quiet - accept apologies, don't refuse hugs. Therapists can determine whether a relationship will break up or last, just by observing how couples reconcile after an argument. Remember that if each of you always wants to be right and have the last word, you may waste the relationship. Tenderness, caring, kindness, the ability to apologize and seek compromise are not symptoms of weakness, but of inner strength, calm self-confidence and good self-esteem. And above all, a way to find a solution.
It is wrong to assume that once the quarrel is over, everything will return to its place without additional effort. And the more difficult the argument was, the more you have to make an effort. Although difficult, the best way to solve problems is to talk about them in a healthy way. If your partner doesn't want to talk, starts ignoring you or mocking you, let this be information for you about your relationship
Based on the book by Alina Adamowicz and Justyna Moraczewska " Super Relationship.. How to create a good and lasting relationship that will not fall apart."
https://www.empik.com/superzwiazek-moraczewska-justyna-adamowicz-alina,p1290788388,ksiazka-p
Alina Adamowicz - Experienced therapist, coach and mentor for women, university lecturer. Popularizer of applied positive psychology. Author and co-author of bestselling self-help books, including: How to Silence Your Inner Critic and Believe in Yourself, Positivity, Diary of Inspiration. Founder of the Positive Women's Academy Association. Conducts individual therapy sessions and development workshops for women. On her popular instagram profile @alka_positive, she inspires women to make positive changes in love relationships, work relationships and with themselves
Justyna Moraczewska - journalist and stylist for more than 20 years associated with women's media. Long-time head of the fashion department in the monthly magazine "Cosmopolitan" and the beauty department in "In Style" and "Gala" magazines.. She has also dealt with the image of celebrities and public figures. Author of the books Women Rockets. We of Generation X and My Strength. How to break the circle of violence and start living without fear. maintains a profile on Instagram @justpassionblog, where he writes about beauty, fashion, healthy and conscious lifestyle. She is the author of the project supporting women's path to self-development and self-acceptance #piekniejszabedzieszsilniejszy.
Why can't we talk to each other?
Unfortunately, when we form a relationship, we don't know that one of the key causes of partners moving away from each other and fading feelings can be a lack of good communication. Ah, how often I have heard: "I wish she hadn't said anything to me, I would have done it differently and maybe we would be together today" or "I wish now that I had told him right away, because maybe we would have saved our relationship".. This can involve big issues: "I don't agree that you should keep in touch with your ex-girlfriend" or "I don't agree that you should decide our finances on your own" or smaller ones: "Please don't make appointments for us to see your parents without agreeing with me.". Inability to talk increasingly distances spouses from each other. There is an inner sense of hurt, loneliness, embitterment, anger, rejection. The natural mechanism of negatively interpreting your partner's behavior and words is activated. It's just the way we have. This mechanism is merciless. Once turned on, it becomes a self-perpetuating cause of fading relationships. A very destructive force. Fortunately, it can be stopped. If you care about yourself, start acting as soon as possible and make changes before it's too late. If you want different results than before, then start doing something different than before
GOLDEN RULES OF COMMUNICATION
Talk!
→ Listen to yourself so that you can hear the other side and not think about the answer
→ Be open to talk,before something becomes a problem
→ Don't avoid conversations about difficult topics and don't put them off. This will save you from many arguments in the future
→ Ignoring problems only prolongs and magnifies them
→ Bringing up difficult topics and having difficult conversations saves relationships
How to have difficult conversations ?
Difficult conversations are an opportunity to better understand your partner, develop your relationship, strengthen your bond. These tips will help carry them out
PRACTICAL TIPS
1. Start the conversation once you have established your intentions
2. Focus on the problem, not the person
3. Talk about your feelings and emotions. Speak one at a time - don't interrupt each other
4. Listen for understanding, not for answers
5. Discuss only one problem or one issue at a time
6. Raising your voice is not the way to make someone better hear what you are saying
7. Take breaks when you need them
How to argue constructively?
Happy couples never fight. This is a widespread MIT!
It is possible that in childhood we learned to believe that conflict and quarrel are only negative events. This may be the case if we have seen parents or guardians arguing in such a way that they hurt each other. They challenged each other, shouted, manipulated each other, and later insulted each other, punished each other with silence, and emotionally withdrew from the relationship
Quarrels are normal and necessary in a relationship. It is a natural part of communication, always present in human relations. In this way, we learn what is important to the partner, what his needs and impassable limits are, get to know his perspective. The quarrel is a signal that the partners are not indifferent to each other, that they care about each other. The worst is when one or both stop speaking to each other and indifference sets in. It is not the quarrels that are the problem, but the lack of ability to argue and reconcile
When you learn to argue constructively, you will increase your chances of having a lasting and happy relationship. Arguing is a form of conversation, only much more difficult. Therefore, rules similar to those used during a difficult conversation apply:
1. Focus all the time on the problem, not on attacking and insulting your partner.
2. Be fair to each other and don't strike below the belt (e.g.. reproaching the past, background, education or using against each other secrets that you told each other in confidence). Stick to one thread and don't bring up other issues in the process
3. If the argument is about your partner coming home late without notice, don't add to it the resentment that he never cleans up after himself, doesn't like your family, spent too much and forgot about your anniversary. In this way, you will overlook the most important topic, that is, informing each other and agreeing on plans when you intend to come home later. Stick to one problem
4. The goal that each of you should have in your mind is to solve the problem. The whole point of a healthy argument is to look for a solution. You don't argue to prove someone wrong or to hurt them or show your superiority. You argue to solve the problem. You want to agree on something together. So do it in a way that directs you directly to finding a solution
5. Don't interrupt yourselves. If you treat your partner with respect and do not interrupt him, you have the right to expect the same. In this way you have the opportunity to hear each other, understand each other. If you interrupt each other, you will keep repeating yourself so that your partner finally hears what you want to say. This only stirs up irritation and raises the pressure. Repeating the same thing over and over again will not make someone understand you better. So try to avoid the "crocodile syndrome" of small ears and big feed - that is, listen more and talk less. Don't be a crocodile
6. In a healthy argument, there is no place for showing contempt and triggers. Since you are looking for a solution, insulting your partner is a hopeless strategy. A partner who reaches for triggers begins to look as if he has no arguments and therefore personally attacks the other party. Remember that your goal is to find a solution, so argue in a way that brings you closer to it
7. If the problem has stirred up too strong emotions that you can't control, or either of you feels too tired, take a break. Go for a walk or get some sleep to cool off. Come back to the conversation when you are calmer
8. Learn to end an argument or dispute well. Don't try to punish your partner. Don't avoid each other, don't keep quiet - accept apologies, don't refuse hugs. Therapists can determine whether a relationship will break up or last, just by observing how couples reconcile after an argument. Remember that if each of you always wants to be right and have the last word, you may waste the relationship. Tenderness, caring, kindness, the ability to apologize and seek compromise are not symptoms of weakness, but of inner strength, calm self-confidence and good self-esteem. And above all, a way to find a solution.
It is wrong to assume that once the quarrel is over, everything will return to its place without additional effort. And the more difficult the argument was, the more you have to make an effort. Although difficult, the best way to solve problems is to talk about them in a healthy way. If your partner doesn't want to talk, starts ignoring you or mocking you, let this be information for you about your relationship
Based on the book by Alina Adamowicz and Justyna Moraczewska " Super Relationship.. How to create a good and lasting relationship that will not fall apart."
https://www.empik.com/superzwiazek-moraczewska-justyna-adamowicz-alina,p1290788388,ksiazka-p
Alina Adamowicz - Experienced therapist, coach and mentor for women, university lecturer. Popularizer of applied positive psychology. Author and co-author of bestselling self-help books, including: How to Silence Your Inner Critic and Believe in Yourself, Positivity, Diary of Inspiration. Founder of the Positive Women's Academy Association. Conducts individual therapy sessions and development workshops for women. On her popular instagram profile @alka_positive, she inspires women to make positive changes in love relationships, work relationships and with themselves
Justyna Moraczewska - journalist and stylist for more than 20 years associated with women's media. Long-time head of the fashion department in the monthly magazine "Cosmopolitan" and the beauty department in "In Style" and "Gala" magazines.. She has also dealt with the image of celebrities and public figures. Author of the books Women Rockets. We of Generation X and My Strength. How to break the circle of violence and start living without fear. maintains a profile on Instagram @justpassionblog, where he writes about beauty, fashion, healthy and conscious lifestyle. She is the author of the project supporting women's path to self-development and self-acceptance #piekniejszabedzieszsilniejszy.
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